Defeating expectations of the self and expectations of certain situations is a difficult undertaking, to be sure. I’ve been finding lately over the course of a couple weeks now that I push myself entirely too hard and expect perfection in myself when perfection is clearly impossible given the circumstances and skill level (or “levels”, in the instances of multiple persons) involved. I’ve been told that I can certainly be ambitious and that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I could certainly use my ambitions to better effect if I were more realistic about my goals and ambitions as well as my feelings with reagard to how I approach them and engage them overall.
For example, with regard to my friends I sometimes feel so utterly disconnected from them despite the connections that I’ve created. I sometimes feel so very unstable in my own confidence that I have little else to depend on outside of spending time with what little bit of time I can scratch-out to use in that manner. It stems from the aforementioned confidence issues, but also has a lot to do with what I feel are failings in both myself as well as other people that I attempt to meet… or at least the expectations that I have from such interactions. From my own experience and perspective, it shouldn’t be terribly difficult to meet people of the calibrer that I desire, while at the same time the caliber that I want to engage is often times the same caliber that I feel I don’t measure-up to. I’m not afraid to say that I am generally interested in men that are older (and admittedly wiser and hopefully more secure in their lives) than myself, and in that interest, I generally look to that stability to allow me to learn and grow as an individual since I don’t have confidence in myself. Sadly, I have been unable to meet this particular desire… and I’m not entirely sure how to approach it or engage it, which is weighing on my heart pretty heavily.
I suppose it’s unrealistic to believe that everything will be fixed overnight, as well as to expect so much from myself both physically and mentally so quickly, and it’s taking me a while to try and get it to sink-in. Finding an axiom or set of quotes to work from and inspire myself to overcome my expectations is proving difficult. I think I need to enlist the aid of my friends and colleagues and work around this particular foible of mine.
“Fall seven times, stand-up eight” as the Japanese proverb goes.