Alone

If I knew for a fact that there were such a thing as “functional depression”, I think I’d be an atypical case.  No matter how close I get to anyone else or how much of my life or my thoughts I share with others, I always feel as if I’m trapped in a singularity and totally unable to escape.  This particular state remains in-place far more often than I would like and more often-than-not results in words being said that cannot be taken back, memories flooding-back from times that were less-than-positive, and emotions running utterly out-of-control.  I often times feel as if the words of wisdom, courage, or comfort that are granted to me never have their full effect; as if the words fell into the black hole’s grip and were sucked-away into a vacuum.

The same thing occurs with regard to personal and professional relationships with others, I feel as if no matter how much I share my life, my thoughts, my dreams and nightmares with them, they will never fully or truly understand or be able to comprehend or heal it.  As if I am as intangible as an idea in the physical world, I feel as if I am doomed to remain trapped in my mind with my thoughts, with the weight and density of all of this collapsing inward on itself like a dying star.  The rage that follows is staggering; it makes me as blind as a human who has never seen their reflection.  This oscillation between utter desolation and simultaneous undying anger at the universe around me keeps me from opening-up completely.

The rage takes on a life of its own, even appearing as a separate entity or personality in some instances.  I’ve seen its reflection in the mirror: bright white, red, and orange, wreathed in flames, and unable to be assuaged in any form or technique.  It lasts until it finally burns itself out completely, taking on the qualities of a collapsed star: impenetrably dark, impossibly-heavy with emotion, and unreachable by any physical means.  What irks me most is that what brings me to this state constantly changes.  It could be a simple dismissed comment by a friend or colleague, a story on the news, or looking at my personal finances.

Too many things set me off.  Too many decisions to be made.  Too much responsibility.  Too much.  Too heavy.

For once, I wish I could just turn off my brain.

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