Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to be truly invisible. Sometimes I feel so small, almost completely invisible to others, often times additionally mute: my lips are moving, and my body language is visible, but the message isn’t “getting across the wire” (so-to-speak). I’ve been asked many times what the problem is, and a great deal of those that have asked have become frustrated or have divested themselves of the weight of the situation. I’m constantly asked to be more open and to share more of my life with people, yet those same people become entirely disinterested when things become more real than they’d like.
I’m in a place now where my sense of community no longer exists and my connections to others are limited to mostly digital means. I’m so far out on the fringe that coming back to anything close to a center seems nigh-impossible at this point. I don’t share the same interests or desires as most of Them, and as such I’ve mostly resigned to remaining on the outskirts and doing what I want with what little I can manage. I’m so far outside of any kind of gay community both geographically- and socially-speaking that it makes it difficult to feel like I’m really doing anything besides just crossing-off the days until I shed my mortal coil. There are days where the disconnection is so close to tangible that I feel entirely empty; without form or function in this physical universe. Finances aren’t in a tail-spin, but they’re working on it.
What I want is to be somewhere that I can truly be myself and be close to a community that can truly challenge and work with me to help me do more and be more positive and self-actualized. What I want is to not feel as if I’m a nobody, doing absolutely nothing, and going absolutely nowhere. I want to feel alive again. I want to be able to wake up in the mornings and say “Today will be a good day where I will learn a bunch, have meaningful interactions with other people, and I will feel loved (or at the very least appreciated)”… and totally mean it.