The Miasma Endures

As the title suggests, I find myself remaining ensconced within the cloudiness of my mind.  Managed to take some time earlier this week and delve deep into thoughts that I had pushed to the back-burner, tear them apart, and reconstruct them in a manner that is easier to process.

Figured out a fair bit of why I think I come across to others as either “needy”, “insecure”, or “immature”.  I believe it has more to do with the inane questions and the constant requests for companionship that are the more frustrating parts to others.  Most of the former situations are out-growths of self-esteem problems that I have endured for most of my life.  I have constantly been alone or with a limited number of friends, and have been met with mostly either hostility or indifference when introduced to others.  I suppose that it’s a two-way street, given that my socialization skills leave a lot to be desired: I either talk people’s ears off, or I’m so awkwardly-silent that it drives them away fairly quickly.  Larger part of the previous problem being that I never know what to say or ask about.  I don’t like boring people with the minutia of my life, and I become bored when others share theirs.  Call me shallow, but I can’t help it.  I just can’t become emotionally invested in someone else’s day-to-day business unless it’s something that directly interests me, such as their involvement with a project or company or activity that intrigues me to some level.  Maybe I’m just un-sociable in the grand scheme of things.

Spent most of the last few days away from work goofing-around on the internet, climbing (and subsequently hurting my ankle), and making vague attempts at studying more HTML and reading other e-books.  This process has been slow, painful, and fruitless… at least, thus far.  This week completely took the wind out of every sail I had, including the hope that a friend of mine would be visiting from out-of-town.  Some days, I just want to lay in bed and ignore the rest of the world.

Back to studying.

2 thoughts on “The Miasma Endures

  1. I’m curious. If you really do think something is wrong with you, have you thought of therapy? A professional opinion?

    I’m not to trying to be rude. I’m battling the same thing – thinking something is wrong – but I can’t bring myself to therapy. Wondering if you’re in the same boat.

    (If this was answered somewhere, I only read one-two newer posts before commenting. Sorry!)

    1. I’ve been in therapy in the past, and it seemed to help during that part of my life. Would probably help me if I did go back, but I’m constrained by time and money at the moment. That, and I’m not quite sure that it’s entirely something that therapy can resolve, to be entirely honest. I think it might just have more to do with me not being as focused or as driven as I should be.

      No-one can wave a magic wand and make me feel any better about myself, and I am not only skeptical but even afraid of pills that can “make me happy” like Prozac and its ilk. To me, it addresses symptoms, not problems.

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