Once again this space has become dormant; but not by choice, I assure you. My life has become quite complex and amazingly busy as of late, granting me no shortage of instability or chaos.
A number of themes have been recurring as of late in my life, many of which having to do with a kind of “growth” or “evolution”, in a sense. I’ve been finding a lot of crow feathers in the last couple of weeks, and to my understanding the symbolism of Crow is typically that of “teaching through illusion, trickery, and cleverness” while maintaining “truth and Sacred Law”. I seem to have begun exhibiting at least some of those traits lately both at work and at home, as I notice cleverness has landed me in more advantageous positions at work with more responsibility and room to grow, while I have also been noticing that illusions have been crashing to the Earth as more Truth is revealed. The more I speak my mind, speak with the conviction that I feel my words deserve, and speak without anger or dominance the more people seem to understand my motivation and how to best resolve the situation or achieve the goals in-question.
Maybe I’m just in the process of relinquishing all of the things that I no longer need, releasing. I remembered a quote from the movie Ghost In The Shell, which also happens to be from The Bible, 1 Corinthians, 13:11 that reads:
“When I was a child, my speech, feelings, and thinking were all those of a child. Now that I am a man, I have no more use for childish ways.”
I wonder if maybe this entire portion of my life’s difficulties deal entirely in my fear of letting things go. Something to meditate on, I suppose.
There have been a myriad of different problems and ideas swirling about like a maelstrom in my head, none of which are simple to explain or resolve. Monetary issues are among the foremost of my concerns these days, but primarily anxiety surrounding the impending Burning Man experience and all that the preparation entails has been the larger portion of my discomfort. I suppose it might be either evident or a taboo subject to some, but I’ve always had issues with body-image and confidence around others… and lately, I’ve found that one of the ways to address that has been to visit a clothing-optional beach out near UCSD. Went last week with a friend that is camping with Pink Heart at BM2011 and managed to not totally freak, cower in embarrassment or make a complete ass of myself and I have to say that it was quite liberating. I felt demonstratively better after the experience, though having a ridiculously nice day to explore it definitely helped.
Chalk it up to another change, courtesy of Crow.
Got a surprise call earlier this week from Grandma; turns out that one of our oldest family friends took a header off their motorcycle and ended-up in surgery for a while and needed a couple tubes and some bone surgery. She’s doing a lot better than she was a week ago, which is great. Just totally caught me off-guard because I hadn’t even thought about any friends of the family since I left California years ago. Not quite a rude awakening, but certainly jarring. She’s recovering at a slightly-better-than-average pace, meaning that she’ll probably be in physical rehabilitation for at least a year or two after she’s done healing the surface wounds. I’m just glad they were able to pick-out all the asphalt from her legs.
Reminds me of other, deeper wounds that some of us harbor. Wounds that we needn’t carry with us, ugly things that we ought not to oblige with continued pain but instead should embrace for a short while and then release it and let it drift into the endless waters of the Past. We all make mistakes, some of us more than others, but in the words of Gavin Rossdale, “Love remains the same”.
I think that at Burning Man, I will dedicate some time at the temple and maybe write on the walls all of the things that I can’t or don’t want to say about my past and let it burn away. Finally let it go and move on down the Red Road of Life, so-to-speak.
That’s all for now. Hopefully more to be posted later. Take care.