Retrograde

It’s been a long week, and it’s only Tuesday.  Felt amazingly tired this morning, couldn’t get into the right gear.  I’ve been having this nagging sensation of alienation everywhere I go, and even where I live doesn’t feel like “home”; even my mind feels like an alien landscape, bereft of landmarks or grace.  It’s a strange feeling, feeling like a stranger in your own skin, feeling as if everyone is staring at you or steering clear of you.  A close friend once described it as “existing in a vacuum like a vagrant in your own head”– I replied, “More like an evicted tenant.”

Tenant, occupant, squatter; these are the words that pervade my perception of things wherever I go or wherever I happen to be.  It is these words that turn to knives that unceasingly graze against the skin.  A simple word or a glance, or even a lack of acknowledgement, is often times all it takes for one to proverbially snatch one such dagger from the air and slot it beneath the third and fourth rib.  It pains me to be around people as of late, yet isolation is the last thing I want to endure again.  I endured it long enough as a child and a pubescent, and I don’t have the desire to revisit that particular segment of my life ever again… yet, I seem to be slipping inexorably toward it again.  It irks me that others are so readily able to move past their social shortcomings, yet armed similarly with information and courage I am unable to do more than forge my image into that of a philistine or uncivilized troglodyte.

I am unable to sleep comfortably anymore.  I wake without cause or reason in the middle of the night, sometimes multiple times a night, and I find myself reaching toward the alarm out of instinct rather than out of a reaction.  Someone once told me that if someone else pays a wage for my productivity during my waking hours, they should not also receive my dreams without compensation… I feel as if I’m fast-approaching that precipice.  I can’t seem to separate work and play in my mental-space, which is becoming more of a problem every day.  It’s not as if it’s pervading every iota of my life, but it’s most certainly making the relief of stress more difficult as time goes on.  I don’t want to shirk any responsibility anywhere, and I want to take on more responsibility, learn, and grow in my role… however limited those opportunities seem to be within the organization.

I can’t think of anything positive to write at the current time.  Except for this:

Burning Man is in less than three weeks.  Gods help us all.

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