Orientations

It’s been a long few weeks; it’s been even longer since I’ve last updated this blog.  A lot has happened since then and now, so I’ll do my best to fill in the blanks.

Roommate ran a mold test in the apartment, and it turns out we have five different types of toxic mold present in the air there.  It’s a good bet that a large portion of what my sleeplessness, irritability, and general malaise can be attributed to are the spores present in the apartment.  Already got my deposit refund and I’m working on getting settled in a new place… temporarily, anyways.

To explain the previous statement about temporary housing, it’s important that anyone reading this post understand even this small piece of information: I am unhappy with where I work at the moment.  It’s not a product of the people that I work with (mostly), nor is it the lack of ability to move up, as there is a bit of movement to be made… it’s actually extremely simple for me: the product and the company just don’t excite me.  I didn’t sign-up to push buttons, I didn’t sign-up to write code, and I didn’t sign-up to herd kittens toward a common goal (though that seems to be happening less and less as of late).  I can honestly say that after the initial buzz of starting work for a small business wore-off, I haven’t been excited about getting up in the morning and going to work.  I’ve stayed the last few months simply to pay the bills and enjoy what few “lulz” I can get out of the day.  The sheer ridiculousness of certain situations and certain people has made it almost tragically comical to work there.  I’m aware that things are getting better with process and with infrastructure, but it’s getting better and I’m not involved in making it better at the infrastructure level.  I know I don’t have the necessary experience, and I’m painfully aware of that, but it’s not as if I haven’t volunteered myself for projects and asked for people to hand me things that can be pushed-off onto us ‘lesser beings’ below in the NOC.  But, we are left to our own devices, and without knowing whether or not someone is working on something, we’re left to try and figure out “procedure” for everything that we do.  Not to mention we have to record every keystroke, which in itself is ridiculous… but the fact of the matter remains that I am still unhappy with where I am in my career and I don’t see the ability to get where I’m going from working there long-term.

On that same thought, I am working on saving-up money to move in with my boyfriend and get started on a new leg of my life. There are a great deal of things that I’ve left on my goal-list for far too long, and I need to start knocking them out one-by-one. Here’s the (semi) short list:

  • Conquer my caffeine addiction (by not drinking caffeine)
  • Start a small business (probably going to do this by offering some kind of online service or platform, haven’t really come up with a specific plan yet)
  • Own my own land
  • Build my own home (on aforementioned land)
  • Grow my own food (around aforementioned home, on aforementioned land)
  • Be an intellectual and philosophical power-house (and maybe the therapist/friend that people can visit and confide deeply with)
  • Travel and see every conceivable inch of the world as humanly possible
Just this list of things will take me far longer than any five- or ten-year plan can conceivably allow for, which is frustrating… but I realize that I don’t need a set plan or any strategic outlay of how I’m going to accomplish these things.  I’ll end-up hitting my goals someday, whether it’s a year from now, ten years from now, or ten minutes before I take my last breath… and all it took was putting everything in perspective from the point of view of sustainability, reasoning, and understanding my own innermost desires.  It’s nothing to do with material goods, it’s about experiences and what I can honestly say I did before I died.  It’s going to be a long, mountainous, and difficult path, but in the end I think it’s well worth travelling.
It’s difficult to believe that I haven’t seen my parents in a little over a year.  I’ve been so used to seeing them on a near-weekly basis that without them near, I feel kind of empty without that input and that kind of support.  I miss being there.  I miss my Medieval Faire family, I miss my Meridian crew, and most of all I miss being able to spend small portions of my time on the beaches of the Gulf.
Those times are far behind me.  I have a long path to tread, and none of it is lit.  I have an idea of where I’m going, but I’m stepping into the void here… and the trepidation is slowly giving-way to excitement and elation.  I’m no longer sober and irrelevant… I’m awake, present, and consciously weaving my reality from the mismatched strands that make up my (admittedly strange) life.
“Hope… sees the invisible.  Achieves the impossible.  If you look up, there are no limits.” — Lacuna Coil, “You Create”

One thought on “Orientations

  1. I was reading a comment u made in a group on FB, that was similar to my comment a few comments above yours, and clicked “like”. I then made another two-part comment directed at another FB member that in my opinion was F’d up & ignorant. Afterwards before I left the page something made me click on your name in FB?! I then was caught by your website you listed & chose to check it out! I’ve been reading through MANY of your blogs & couldn’t keep from continuing to read more! Although I do not “know” you, after reading so many entries I realized that the remarks & your personal thoughts & opinions were so closely aligned with my own & that’s why I guess I kept reading, feeling like the words were coming from my own brain & thought process! This particular writing meant a whole lot to me in MANY ways! I’m not sure I can explain through words but I deeply felt connected with what you were writing about…almost as if you were writing out my thoughts & feelings?! At 1st I became startled at the way it was sinking in, but then suddenly realized that I was relating to your diary of sorts! I was crying at times, as certain statements were making me think of personal things that haunt me at times, however, I push those haunting thoughts deep inside most of the time! At other times while reading, I was smiling & “connecting” with your writings. Please don’t feel that you have some weird stalker by any means!! I’ve just never connected to so many things from one individual & I normally wouldn’t reply at all! But for some reason I felt compelled to comment & just let you personally know what good came to at least 1 person (me) from you sharing your personal thoughts! Thank you! Thank you for allowing me & others the experience of reading your words, thoughts & feelings!! Best Regards, Mark (zebopride on FB).

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