Regret is a terrible thing. Its older and more dangerous sibling Depression have been doggedly trailing me for the last week, making me feel like I am suspended in black syrup; blinded, bound, and gagged in semi-darkness. I’ve been unable to complete a coherent thought or put words to my feelings for the last week. I have felt more and more often that the choices I have made that have led me to where I am now have been ill-advised and wrong-headed at every turn. I’m six thousand dollars in debt, I have no job, I’m in a city that I have no friends in, and I have been unable to contemplate a full solution to the problem.
I’ve spent the last few days attempting to piece together some kind of a life with my better half, and sometimes it works. Sometimes it fails miserably, and we both go to bed angry with the other… most of the time, I just go to bed angry with myself. I’ve been thinking more often lately that maybe I’m doing the wrong things with my career (and by-extension, my life). That maybe technology isn’t something that’s a life-long pursuit, and that maybe I could be investing my time elsewhere doing something more productive or more rewarding. Teaching is a starving gig these days, and so is public speaking (unless you’re a politician). To get noticed as a climber you have to really be on the absolute “sharp end” of the climb in order to make headlines, and people like Daila Ojeda and Alex Honnold already have those honors. They’re monsters of the climbing world, and they crush the most amazing routes day-in, day-out. It makes me wonder if there is any room left in the sport for other climbers. Writing has been a relative constant lately, but even that is becoming more and more of a challenge to fit into an average day.
Sleep has become difficult to come by. I have been sleeping like absolute crap, and I’m not sure what’s causing it. I’m working on changing my sleep pattern to be more coherent and restful, and I’m adding melatonin to my daily regimen to help me try and get to deeper sleep faster. I’m thinking that what potentially could be causing a lot of my behavioral problems are my sleeping patterns (or lack thereof). Going to give it a shot this month and see how it works out. Will have to play wait-and-see with it, but hopefully it’ll help me balance out.
I’ve set a few goals this year which some have referred to as “too ambitious”, but I’m not interested in being mediocre anymore. I want to get stuff done, damn it. I’m going to schedule out most of these on a regular schedule and do my best not to deviate far from it.
Here’s the “must be completed before NYE 2012” list:
- Climb a V4+/V5- comfortably (bonus: learn how to lead-climb 5.11+ routes)
- Learn a scripting/programming language
- Read a book per month
- Write a new blog post once a week
- Write a new personal journal entry once a week
- Turn the desktop into a file/media server
Bonus goals for this year:
- Start yoga/cardio regimen (need more stamina for climbing)
- Learn a new language (thinking Spanish or German first)
- Build a personal LAMP server
I need opinions: Is the primary list too ambitious? Comments appreciated.