Feeling like what I want out of life is making a lot of other things in my life impractical or difficult to maintain.  Problem being, I can’t figure out whether it’s the fact that I have painted myself into a corner with my goals or if everything else is just something that’s kind of ‘in the way’.  There are a number of different things that I want to invest my time in where I am, and it always seems as if some of it is in conflict with my boyfriend’s goals.  I don’t want to buy more stuff, I don’t want to buy a house (yet), and I most certainly don’t want to keep working at a job I can’t stand.

I’ve been looking for a new job for basically going on 3 months now, and I’ve yet to find one that I actually qualify for.  The big issue here being that I don’t have any qualifications that really make me stand apart from other candidates at the moment, aside from knowing Linux from a user/SysOp perspective pretty well.  I honestly keep wondering if I will ever find new work out here or if I should try making my way some other way.  Some days I feel utterly hopeless in this regard.

Climbing has been getting better, at least.  I’m just starting V5 and V6 routes now at the very least, so I’m at least improving on some level.  I’m really close to sending this V4+ with a pretty intense 3-point-match and a fairly wide swing to the next available hold, I just have to figure out what moves I need to refine so I can send it successfully.  Writing a blog proposal for the gym I climb at as well, which is pretty exciting.  Got some media I need to capture and add to the proposed articles prior to publishing, so the heat is kind of on.  Need to get to work on that.

Been trying to get rid of the excess physical clutter in my life as well, get down to a barebones sort of existence that is highly mobile and easy to work with.  My methodology is simple: if I can’t stuff it in a bag and carry it with me for an extended period, it qualifies as aesthetic and is subject to removal.  Ordered a Chrome messenger bag specifically for this reason/purpose, and here’s what I’m thinking I’ll carry:

  • MacBook Air
  • Sennheiser HD280s
  • Climbing shoes
  • Chalk bag
  • Change(s) of clothes
  • Literature book
  • Study book
  • Water
  • Tea brewing bottle

I figure with all of these, I have my routine covered and I can fill in the blanks as I see fit without having to deal too terribly much with the superfluous tasks of going home, changing, and gathering the appropriate gear again.  I basically want to be able to leave home in the morning with everything I need, do everything I want/need to do in one fell swoop, and then come home and do the normal things like cooking a hearty and healthy meal and sleeping.  Ironic that for the above, I am considered ‘neurotic’ or ‘psychotic’.  Efficiency and freedom are what I crave from this transition, and yet I don’t understand why this is so hard to grasp for most anyone that asks me about these things.  I want to cut out the excess, get to the ‘meat’ of the experience that I am trying to have or create, and avoid all of the unnecessary baggage that comes along with it.  I personally don’t have time or the inclination to deal with all the excess getting in the way, whether it’s my material possessions presenting me with a logistical challenge in moving where or how I want to live, the increasing complexity that life is foisting upon me and the people I care about, or even if it’s the activities or habits that are getting in the way of enjoying those experiences.

Is this too much to ask?  Am I trying too hard?  Maybe.  It weighs on me sometimes, I admit… but that doesn’t mean that these are not worthy things to spend my time on.  I feel that compromise on these things is tantamount to accepting the mediocrity that everyday life is constantly pushing like a drug-dealer.

No, I don’t want to sit down and watch TV.  Yes, I’m being a hypocrite by playing Skyrim for 5 hours.  Am I a hypocrite?  Maybe.  Am I selfish?  Depends on who you ask.  When you’re not happy, you change something… and I’m not happy with much of anything, so I’m changing everything to try and find that ‘sweet spot’.  Trying to stop me will just make me more unhappy.  Just like I have to accept some things, others have to accept this fact as well.

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