Seems ironic in some ways how my current life path seems to be mirroring my best friend’s path about a year and a half removed. Seems to me that everything seems to roll around in circles among most of the people I know, and that cycle seems dangerous to me on some level or another. Not sure how else to explain it, but it feels as if it’s just a metaphysical way of ‘circling the drain’. Repeating the same bullshit to the same people day-in and day-out with minor changes here and there, the same neckties, the same slacks, the same scenery, the same food. Feels like a manufactured reality, something that was sold to us a few thousand years ago and we haven’t wised-up to the notion that this isn’t what we were meant for. Humans were meant for more than cubicles and managerial shackles, meant for much more than necktie asphyxiation and corner-office crucifixion.
And this is where I find myself now, at the crossroads of the ‘professional’ life and the life of a seeker or wanderer. The life I seek doesn’t seem to be on any personal road-map that I can find, and the majority of the people I interact with aren’t interested in living the life of an adventurer… even though they’ll sit on their couch and watch someone else have all the fun and laugh about it later at work with their sedentary peers. No wonder my frustration hides behind the barest of smiles and the skin of my teeth. I feel like most everyone I meet is in some level or another of bondage, and the denial is the only thing keeping their entire world-view from crashing-down around their ears. But then again, I suppose a values difference between other people and myself makes up for a significant portion of that acceptance. For example, I cannot see myself ever really owning any land or homes, but I can see myself traveling far-and-wide. Ironic and awkward when lined-up against the desires of my lover, who eventually desires a home. To some degree or another, the risk-versus-reward ratio that constantly weighs in my head is tipped heavily in favor of mobility and flexibility, where even the idea of a mortgage seems alien to me. Why would I go so deep into debt if the financial institution that I take the mortgage out from would simply take it out from under me with a few choice words inserted into the fine print of the contract? Why would I own something so large and expensive to maintain that if it burned down to the ground I would be in such a disastrous financial state? There are a number of risks that financial implements are designed to protect against, but to the same extent, I have zero faith in the financial system at this time. I know for a fact that my money is absolutely worthless and that I am living (effectively) on pieces of paper that mean next-to-nothing. They are promissory notes, nothing more. It makes me wonder what I could ever do to keep myself safe against such a well-funded and (through the apparatuses of government, police, and private mercenaries/thugs) well-armed adversary. Sounds to me like a recipe for trouble.
My relationship to technology is also rather tenuous at-best at this particular stage in my life. It seems as if I am being out-paced quickly and being made irrelevant faster and faster as time goes by, with no end in sight. Combined with the fact that nothing I work on seems to have any impact on the day-to-day lives of everyday people, it feels as if I am simply working off my debt and making someone else richer than they probably have any right to be. It has been commented that small people with big ideas tend to be the most dangerous, because they have the potential to either do the most good or to do the worst kind of damage. People like Erik Prince, CEO and Founder of Blackwater, USA (currently Xe Industries) are small people given far, far too much clout through money, shared faith, and disastrously-terrible idealism. The same could be said of people like former President George W. Bush, Saddam, Hitler, and any number of brutal dictators… but I digress. What is one to do when they are a small person with small or no ideas that are easily applicable? How does one reconcile this kind of situation? Is it reconcilable?
I suppose the ideas that I have aren’t meant to be reconciled, merely rationalized and turned into a set of goals. But by whose standards? What goals are ‘rational’? What’s more irrational: staying in a job that drives you insane and makes you angry all the time simply for the pay, or leaving that job to find something that perhaps pays a lot less but gives you a lot more freedom and makes you happier over time? Sure there are financial risks associated with the latter that aren’t present with the former, but to be clear the more thinking I have done on every position that I have ‘advanced’ from has had a ‘stress tax’ applied to it. Seems like every time I go up in pay and responsibility, the stress increases along a pretty intense scale. As I think about it more, the reasons for avoiding a position of significant stress without reward become less and less convincing. Sure, there’s significant risk in any passionate enterprise or project, but at the same time there is something to be said for prudence and caution when it comes to aforementioned ventures. I am beginning to feel as if I am starting to define where those boundaries lie and where I want to invest those energies. Not without serious challenges or repercussions, mind you, but the decisions and discoveries are being made all the same.
Haven’t felt very good over the past few months since I’ve moved to Boston, but things are at least a little bit better at the moment. I realize that things aren’t going nearly as well as I want them to, but no matter what happens, I’ll land on my feet somehow and I’ll get by… it’s all just a matter of remembering that everything is relative.