Spent most of the day on Sunday being brought nose-to-nose like a dog to a pile of its own excrement to the fact that I am completely and utterly non-committal. For the longest time, I operated under the assumption that I simply deserved better after being treated with a degree of mild contempt and bemusement by individuals in my age group. I felt a kind of entitlement to different treatment because of what I mistakenly believed to be suffering, bullying, and isolation from an early age. When brought to the fetid ground that I’d left in my wake, I initially recoiled and went inward in an attempt to justify the behavior only to reject it outright upon deeper inspection. The mere implication that I have been deluding myself into believing that I had ever been justified in the belief that I was entitled to something– anything is something I had not yet dealt with. It only figures that the enemy I had not yet dealt with was staring me in the face from the mirror. Spent the better part of a decade convincing myself that I am better than the lot I’ve been given, and that I was supposed to just reach out and take it and that it wouldn’t be a struggle was something that I invented for myself to make it easier to cope, I suppose. Idiotic now that I am able to see it more clearly.
Never have I been so challenged. Never have I encountered a situation where I have been forced to examine the most elemental reasons and motivations for my actions. Never has anyone really had the temerity, the raw strength, the balls to call me out this thoroughly and completely. I find myself completely and utterly unable to defend my position of non-commitment, and because of that, I feel lost. So ridiculously have my emotional and mental defenses been breached, that I can’t even formulate a response. Armor sundered, emptiness laid-bare for all the world to see and laugh with no refrain, I find myself without purpose or cause.
Perhaps this is what the ancient poets described when they wrote about the “dark night of the soul”. I find that now most of my goals and ideas are hollow, ringing like fragile glass bells in the maelstrom of impotence and immaturity. Truly a wonder, this feeling. Everything else is wiped-away: every veil, every mask, every barrier. There now only exists myself and the now; this very moment. I feel empty, but a strange sense of calm at the same time. I hope that this is some kind of emotional and spiritual progress, and not another step backwards.