Lagrange

Been a long few weeks, especially since I haven’t had the time or the energy to write lately.  A lot of things have happened since the last time I posted:

  • Disengaged from a fairly long relationship
  • Moved into a new place
  • Donated a good portion of my personal belongings
  • Bought my own domain and VPS server (more details on that later)
  • Decided not to go to Burning Man (I will also address this a bit later)

In-all, a bit of a rocky time for me.  Things are kind of up-in-the-air with regard to my personal life, but I feel like that’s all fine-and-dandy for right now.  I felt like I was in a rut for a bit there, and didn’t feel like anything was happening.  Part of it was certainly attributable to the fact that I was in a long-term relationship that was pretty steady, but at the same time I think it was also partially the fact that I was too afraid to listen to my instincts and take some chances.  There were (and are) a great deal of things that I have not listened to my instincts on that I probably should have.

First, the most obvious thing: the relationship.  To recap, I maintained a relationship with someone long-distance for the better part of a year before moving cross-country to solidify that relationship.  I know, very stupid of me for taking such a huge risk, but at the time I felt as if there wasn’t anything really tying me down to the place I had been living.  There were (and still are) a number of things that made me unhappy living there: work situation wasn’t exactly ideal (but it paid the bills), I felt like I had very few friends in that area (subsequently many of them would move away from that area anyway), and I didn’t exactly have any real goals or motivation.  When I moved to Boston, it took a great deal of effort to start analyzing my life and determining what exactly I could do both for myself and for others.  The relationship was solid for the most part, but what I felt were rather glaring differences between the ways that I lived and my boyfriend lived were beginning to cause problems.  I admit, I’m not much of a home-body.  I like being out and gone for long periods of time, and I see retreating to the living-space as the last event prior to going to sleep.  I’ve been climbing for going on two years now, and I don’t expect to stop or slow down.  As a matter-of-fact, I intend to increase my training, take more yoga, and become more physically fit by changing the way that I eat and the way that my body takes in nutrients.  Combined with the fact that I was in the process of doing away with a large portion of my belongings in an effort to reduce my spatial footprint, my then-boyfriend thought I was being neurotic and obsessive over things.  To some degree, he was right.  But at the same time, I felt as if he wasn’t being serious enough about much of anything besides doing development work, watching TV, and eating good home-cooked (though fatty) meals.  I didn’t want any of that anymore, and I felt as if now was the best time to start working on goals for myself and get motivated.

Bearing all that the break-up would entail, and all the problems it would cause, I called it off and went my own way.  I basically kissed Burning Man goodbye (at least for this year), and went in search of a new place to live.  Ended-up moving into a fairly decent neighborhood in Brighton that’s right off the Boston Green Line B Route, which works out great for getting to work on the edge of Chinatown.  Now, I climb, do yoga, write, and read in peace without having to worry about much.  The only problem is the loneliness at night, but that’ll probably be something that will go away over time.

I’ve come to the realization that my life is far too complex and far too mobile for most other people my age-group to handle, which makes it nigh-impossible to date anyone with any real regularity or depth.  In-turn, this has also made me realize that I am probably better off without a partner, as my life changes too rapidly and too haphazardly for most people to be able to keep-up with.  Bearing that in-mind, it seems only fitting that the direction I move in is that of increased isolation and study, deeper into my own head, and further into my own heart than anyone else’s.  Maybe one day I will find a reason to surface this one-man-submarine, but at this point I doubt that there will be a reason for me to change this policy.

I had mentioned before that I had moved into a new place, and it’s actually not bad.  The wood floor is splintering and peeling in some places, the windows don’t all open, but the house is actually stable, the laundry is on-premises, so I don’t have to drop $40 to go do laundry for myself anymore, and the bohemian nature of the place is extremely endearing.  It’s a place I can retreat to and really get things done without all the distractions and effluvia that came with the last few places I have stayed.  I have a feeling that this place will help me get centered and get my projects started and taken care of.

Mentioned this earlier, but I also bought a VPS and my own domain name, which will give me the opportunity to get another one of my projects taken care of.  I’ve had this project in the back of my head for a long time now, and I’m happy that I’ve gotten as far as I have.  I’m working on taking control of my personal data and closing out my accounts with services like Google and Facebook in an effort to make sure that my data remains my data.  I don’t want my life to be indexed, I don’t want every ounce my information available to government agencies that are unaccountable to due-process, and I don’t want my information sold to marketers without my permission.  Bearing these things in-mind while also wanting to learn more about running a LAMP stack remotely, I’m now working on this with as much free-time as I can muster.  Going to take a little bit before it’s ready, but I’m working on it.  This blog might move over there as well, I’m not sure yet.  Going to do a bit of research before I start on that at the very least, but I will be migrating email, calendar, and my media hosting over to my domain for the aforementioned reasons.

Finally, with everything that’s been happening, I made the decision that at this time it’s financially impossible for me to go to Burning Man this year.  I also didn’t want to create a negative space by camping in the same theme-camp as my ex, so I decided to take this time to ground, center, and get my feet underneath me before doing anything drastic like going to BM.  I will miss my friends this year, but at the very least I will have my own space to come back to here at home without being under financial strain.

Generally, still feeling pretty terrible about what happened between myself and my ex, but I’m trying to work past it now and be more productive and positive.  It’s a hard road, but I expect that there will be a lot of positive things to come out of it.

One thought on “Lagrange

  1. Hello blogger,

    I stumbled upon your blog through the intra-webs and I was compelled to write to you partially because it seems like we do share some core ideologies in life and your reference to Burning Man.

    For the last four years, I have wanted to go to Burning Man. It never happened but this year in a strange and pleasant string of events, I got the chance to go: everything fell into place. With expectations like all humans are tied to, I too had my expectations. However, life happened and things took its course. I injured my leg at the very start of the Man and I was tethered to my crutches and got a reality check that, whom you thought would offer help, turned their backs. I was in physical and mental pain and was sort of helpless in a place, which is defined for self sustaining eco system. But something strange happened, in an epiphany– I owned my situation. I sat for hours at a place, talking and watching fellow burners and strangers offered help. The experience has been humbling and it re-emphasized how we all are interconnected with deeds and actions of human spirit. You might be wondering, where the heck am I going with this?

    It seems like you are doing the same things, taking charge of your life, tweaking your mind, body and soul to be a better person at heart in a disciplined way. Discipline is a necessary thing but equally is the idea of letting it go. In one of your posts, you mentioned about where you would like to be in 5/10/20 years? I say with some amount of confidence that you would want to be content at heart and discipline is one of the best ways to get at it but the caution here is the don’t get too rigid and moderate your actions. Your life seems to be too focused on your self (which is not necessarily a bad thing) and your individualistic approach to life suggests that you are American. Perhaps, consider about other people as well I believe our lives are bound to others. You will be surprised to see what we have to share, give and appreciate and be more content.

    I was also rather surprised to see that you used the word “stupid” for taking the risk to engage in a long-distance relationship. I smell regret. Was it stupid because it did not work out? Would you have used “beautiful” instead if things had worked out? Life is a mirage of experiences (to me), which has goods, and bads that with retrospection helps us to be whom we aspire to be. I was too in a long distance relationship and it did not work out. But I have grown as a human being with whom over Skype calls and international flight tickets that I couldn’t afford.

    I respect your thoughts and that’s what I like about this entire affair – the power of human spirit. Nothing that I said here was to offend your feelings, we all choose to live and make decisions based on the circumstances and surroundings that we come with, there is no one way of being and that to me is the beauty of it.

    -DM

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