Seems that most everything I’m running into lately runs in cycles. News runs in cycles, human behavior runs in cycles, relationships run in cycles… until they don’t. Until a new exception presents itself and rears its ugly head, roaring in your face like that of a fell wyrm or some other sufficiently-nasty beast. I feel as though I’ve learned this the hard way, lunging headlong into a situation that I could not have possibly handled or improved.
Long-story-short, the relationship that I had been a participant in for the better part of two years (both long-distance as well as in-person) ended in a bout of self-discovery, much to my partner’s chagrin, as I learned that I did not really want to be in the relationship. Primary reasons for this included a perceived lack of empathy and connection (on both sides), problems expressing intimacy (on both sides), and difficulty relating to one another on even the most benign of subjects (again, on both sides). I felt that we were two different people trying to make a life together that had very little chance of succeeding.
For many of the people that know me and know how I operate, stark differences are easy to discern:
- I don’t watch television — I have lived without a television for close to 8 years, and with the introduction of an avid television-watcher into my life, I found that this was being actively challenged.
- I exercise (a lot) — I dispensed with going to a normal gym and began rock-climbing as an alternative method of fitness with pretty amazing results. After adding yoga to the mix, my life became much busier, but I felt as though my health has been improving dramatically. My partner did not share this view, and believed that time spent in front of the television cuddling and eating junk food was a better investment of time (obviously, we disagreed).
- I read and write (a lot) — I’ve taken to expressing myself through written word for a number of reasons, but primary of which has been a drive to express myself and to be understood in the simplest method possible: writing. People I value as friends, as confidants, and even as business colleagues have read the content that I have made available on my blog, and all of them have told me that they understand me so much better seeing the history that exists in that little ‘slice’ or archive of my life that I choose to make public. Conversely, I also read a lot. If I find myself with more than a few minutes to kill with nothing to do, my first option is generally to open my phone and start reading an ebook that I’ve picked-up. I’ve read at least 5 ebooks in the last 30 days, which is a lot better than I’ve ever done reading paper books (and also a lot more fun).
Bearing these differences in-mind and viewing the situation in retrospect, I’m actually surprised things didn’t deteriorate sooner. With the way that I have tried to simplify and de-clutter my life through removing distractions and less-meaningful activities, by thoroughly eliminating emotional and spiritual baggage, and the conscious choices that I have made to either avoid sources of emotional drainage (psychic vampires) or try to remediate those behaviors in myself, I had begun to come into near-constant conflict with the person I used to be as well as the person with whom I had made what I thought had been a deep emotional link. The changes, though rooted in a desire to do good for myself and for others, had become a point of continued contention with my boyfriend, and as a result I now reside in this no-man’s-land, stuck between the desire for real personal interactions with people and this admittedly-strange sensation of a calm loneliness.
With the advent of these changes in my life, I am more convinced than ever before that a life of social and spiritual stoic-asceticism is not as farfetched or as destructive as it seems to be from the outside. There are a number of different reasons why pursuing this particular personal code seems much more desirable than floundering in ill-advised attempts at trying to place myself back “on the market” in terms of non-platonic relationships, primary of which at this time simply being that I am beginning to feel that my over-emotional nature and the psychological inconsistencies that I sometimes exhibit are making more difficult for me to be the person that I want to be. Translation: My psychological well-being is in far too much flux to be of any use to anyone, much less myself, at this current juncture. I am trying to turn myself into a high-speed, low-drag, lowest-possible-bullshit-factor personal achiever that I know I can be if I have the focus. The fact of the matter is that a relationship or even attempting to be in one would ruin almost any chance of me being able to work toward that ideal.
There have been times lately where I have wondered whether or not I should go back into a relationship ever again. Whether I would be better off simply trying to go the pure-ascetic route and divest myself of the emotional trappings that I have hauled around, or whether waiting a year or more would be the better way. These discussions are purely circular in my head, and I avoid discussing them with anyone else simply because there are few people that want to hear it or can stand being around it for longer than necessary so as to remain respectful. If I were to bring this up to anyone else, I would be engaging in the behavior that I am actively trying to avoid myself: psychic vampirism. That’s not fair to everyone else, and most of all it’s not right of me to engage in it. So here we are, I suppose.
I find myself at this point in my life questioning a great deal of things. Questioning whether or not I want to be in this country anymore, whether or not I want to continue in the IT field long-term, and questioning why I would work my ass off for promotions and pay raises when the people I work for barely even know who I am when they walk past me in the hallways. I’m questioning the very ground beneath me, if that’s even possible. I question the values that have been etched into our souls as to whether or not they are even valid when the people who “made” those values in the first place betrayed those same values at the first opportunity. Career corporatists espouse this upward-mobility legend as if it were flesh-and-blood, and yet they run away to their villas and ivory towers overlooking the seas and the hills at the first sign of trouble and don’t even bother to consider the ramifications of their values systems when it comes to the lay-people bearing those values like an iron cross. I question whether or not working for 40 years is really what I want, and whether or not I would be served just as well by saving enough money to buy my own land, grow my own food, and travel as much as I want irregardless of the impact on my “career”. Far as I’m concerned, nobody has a “career” anymore in this world. All we have are jobs with guaranteed expiration dates attached to them, and it makes me ill to think that people get sucked into that kind of ideology every minute of every day. I’m not so sure the model of success that I came installed with from the public education assembly-line is valid anymore.
Sometimes all I want to do is just throw my clothes, messenger bag, and climbing gear into the back of my truck and drive off into the sunset and never come back. There are days when I feel like there would be nothing better than being able to wake up where I want, with whoever I want, and do whatever the hell I want without having someone else making a valuation-call on my life and denying me things in life based on that. Sometimes, all I can do is sigh and go back to the grind and accept my lot, even temporarily. Who knows, maybe my crazy save-and-scram scheme will finally give me the exit-sign above the door I’ve been looking for.
Just looking for a way out, that’s all. I don’t care too terribly much about the details, I just want to be free to be me through-and-through. If that means being a “homeless dirtbag”, then maybe that’s the ticket. I don’t know yet, and I don’t have all the answers. But when I do figure it out, people will know.