Odds and Ends

We constantly find ourselves at-odds with our own nature, in conflict with our own beliefs, and embattled in never-ending struggle against complacency and inaction.  We are constantly in an internal and external struggle against our faults and inefficiencies, and we all constantly besiege ourselves with criticism, only to find that we have begun waging a war on ourselves from the inside-out.  We look outward and away from our centers in search of an anchor, someone or something to cling to.  We scratch at our own wounds, even though our own jagged crowns weigh heavily on our heads.  We refuse to see with open eyes, instead believing our closed eyes and our incomplete sense of the universe around us is all we need to progress.

We need each other more than ever, in the worst ways imaginable.  We need our friends and families, and most of all we need ourselves.  Not just what we believe to be ourselves; our transient, banal, and oft-deplorable selves, but our truest selves.  We need to brush away the dust and take the self that lies at the deepest core of our being, and place it under the pressure and the weight of all that life has to offer.  All of the heat, light, and immense pressure that life has to offer both for and against us in order to begin forming ourselves into the diamonds that we know that we can be.  We need ourselves more than we have needed anything else on this planet before, even more than we need that new job, that new gadget, or that “better” person in our lives.  We don’t need more differentiation and more individuality, we need understanding and love for ourselves and for each other.  More than a concept or a belief, we need something real in our everyday lives.  I know, because I’ve been there, and over a year ago I started over and started with myself.

Our individual flaws and characteristics are not something to be faulted, nor are they things that need to be repaired or remediated, they are simply what they are: flaws.  If a flaw is causing grievous harm, then by all means, it is worth changing; however if you, like me, are finding yourself in the unenviable situation of feeling that you have stagnated, that you are capable of more, and that you were meant for better… then change it.  There is absolutely nothing stopping you from starting right this second.

Every single second is a new opportunity for growth and change, every moment is a chance to start over and to get centered, and every day is just another step in the chaotic dance of the universe.

The entire universe is an orgiastic dance of life, death, creation, and destruction. You must learn how to dance to the beat of your own drum and find situations where your drum-beat matches or syncs with others’.

There is no reason, there is no lesson, and there is no time like the present.  There is literally nothing to lose and the entire universe to gain.  What I learned long ago is that the world turns on without me, and that I need to be able to not just “exist” on a base level, but I found that I need to be able to be productive and self-sufficient on my own.  Every minute that passes in linear time, the human body pumps an average of 6 liters of blood completely through the body, at least a hundred infant mammals are brought into this world, and at least a thousand beings perish or are consumed by other species.  This goes on with or without you knowing or experiencing it, and illustrates what I believe to be one of the inalienable truths of the human condition: that it doesn’t matter whether you are alone or are surrounded by friends and lovers, you have to be comfortable in your own skin, and have to stand firm in your beliefs and direction.  What I found is that when I fully integrated this knowledge into my life and really understood it at a base level, I stopped caring about what others thought of what I was trying to do with my life and simply started going after it.  The world is going to continue spinning-on without me anyway, and the fact that my friends, family, lovers, and confidants were going to continue to do what they were doing regardless of anyone else’s decisions or input.

Without anything to latch onto and use as ammunition in the cycle of self-defeat that I had found myself constantly wading into, I found that I felt much more alive and far more free than I had found myself feeling before.  I felt, and still feel to this day that I am waking up and beginning my day with purpose, that my life has meaning and some semblance of value, even if that value is only value to myself.  I am (generally) happier than I was a year ago, and I am finding that I have more mental and physical energy to invest into solutions to situations that I felt reasonably sure that I could change for the better.

The most simultaneously amazing and terrifying thing about the human condition is quite literally the fact that at any second, life as you know it can quite literally come to a screeching halt or change direction without warning.  The simple implication that the mere act of existing is capable of changing the causality of the observed universe around you should make you jump for joy… when you choose to spend less of that existence in fear and in the presence of others that have traded that fear for love, that’s when the good stuff really gets started and where the magic really happens.

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