It’s been a while since I’ve done any kind of update here. There has been a pretty deep fundamental shift in the way that I am interacting with the world and as a consequence, how I view and interact with myself. Things I considered or believed in the past are changing, the way that I interact with others is changing, and all of it hopefully (and eventually) for the better. I am considering what information I take in, reconsidering all the places and means that I expend energy and time, and more importantly I am attempting to determine a more appropriate path for myself going forward.
Ironic, given that what brought this mindset back to the fore was the aftermath of a LAN party.
I dislike the way my mind works sometimes. Not soon after I get in the truck, I start thinking about all the things I’ve done wrong in the last few years. I spent too much time playing-around on the internet, too little time educating myself, no time actually doing anything for much of anyone else. For many reasons, I wanted to come home and just start deleting things off of my computer, backing-off from social contact of any variety, and work toward some kind of ascetic lifestyle in the pursuit of some kind of pure idealism. Some level of white-glove superiority of some type or another. If you can’t play with the big-boys, don’t play at all. Stick to what you’re good at. If you’re not good at anything, then at least be happy you don’t suck at everything.
On-and-on-and-on it went all the way home. Which pretty much brings things up-to-speed. I sit here now, bringing my thoughts to digital form and committing to the whirling vortex of bullshit we lovingly refer to as The Internet, all-the-while thinking to myself of all the things I have left undone. I still haven’t set-up my own website, I still haven’t left Google, I don’t know much more about Ruby programming than when I started this whole mess, and I’m still 30 pounds over the weight-target I set for myself. Focusing on a single problem is nigh-impossible: I get extremely bored and frustrated easily and I find myself with ever-thinning patience for the subtleties of life as times goes on. Some social callings and events are beginning to feel like exercises in frustration, and even the things I used to love doing are becoming more and more frustrating to me because I’m not progressing or finding any joy in them. The impulses that I bury are ones that want to argue, to learn many things with little-if-any depth, and that wants to simply sit in this chair every day and browse through funny pictures until the sun is rising again. It’s extremely difficult to motivate myself properly, and to remain realistic about my progress and my goals… all of which contributes in large-part to my terrible self-image problem.
In-short: I feel as if I am back-sliding to some degree. I feel directionless, and because I don’t feel that I am getting any encouragement or accolade for what I do or achieve, I feel that I am a constant and consummate failure.
The primary problem I need to confront right now is this: How do I start to feel better about myself?
I would imagine most therapists and self-help gurus would probably point to the obvious things in my life.
- I’m relatively healthy
- I have little debt
- I’m in a stable(ish) relationship
- I have a well-paying job in a country that isn’t actively trying to kill me
What more could I possibly want? I want a lot more. Much of what I want is driven by ego and less by need, which probably creates many of the problems and negative feelings that I have been experiencing. I suppose at the root of everything I’m looking for fulfillment more than anything else. I want to feel complete, whole, at-peace. For some reason, even being healthy, well-fed, and conscious of myself feel like minor blessings in the greater scheme of things.
Maybe that’s the first lesson to be taken from all of this: happiness in simplicity. Sure, I don’t have a new vehicle, I don’t have a big vacation planned in expensive European countries, and I don’t have the body of a model or swimmer… but I’m alive, I’m healthy, and there are at least a handful of people who love me enough to show-up at my wake if I were to die tomorrow.
Small blessings, I suppose. I just have to breathe, smile (at least inwardly), and remember that this moment is the exact moment that I was meant to be in, otherwise it would have happened differently.