Confusion Abounds

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks. A lot of things have happened that I didn’t necessarily intend, and things have happened that I had no idea were even a possibility in that particular space or instance. Want snowboarding for the first time in over a decade, ended-up coming home with a bruised knee and tailbone, but I discovered that I am still decent enough on a snowboard to hit the intermediate routes without too much trouble. Made me happy to know that I could do something well for a change.
On a down note, I discovered that I tipped 175lbs last week, much to my chagrin. I was definitely not expecting that, and I wasn’t the happiest person to be around. I have been looking around at Crossfit programs in my area to try and get into a better shape, and I’m kind of concerned abut my willpower and my ability to stick to the program. Impulsiveness is in my nature, but this kind of thing is a pretty major commitment. It’s not just a gym, it’s a community. It’s a lot of people looking to push themselves past their limits and become more, and it’s not just the standard “life heavy things until you look scary” kind of program, it’s about functional strength and form. I have asked for an intro class this Saturday, so hopefully I can get into it and see if it’s something I really can do.
Work is going pretty well for the most part, but I wonder about my technical abilities and whether or not I can pick up any kind of programming quickly or without a structured classroom environment to get my questions answered. There’s a lot I don’t understand with regard to programming and what I would do with it outside of work stuff, seeing as how all I really want to do when I get home is bugger-off and play games, eat, or read.
In the interest of full-disclosure, I wonder sometimes if my coworkers merely tolerate me in the current position I am in simply because I get tickets done. Or if it’s because they currently don’t have a choice given the amount of work we have to do collectively. I don’t know, but the doubt isn’t helping me be a better employee, and certainly isn’t helping me to do more things outside of my comfort zone. I’m not sure what to do or where to go from here yet.
I also finally dropped below $2500 total debt this week. All I have left to pay off is a bank credit card with a super-low interest rate, and then I am completely in the clear. There have been a lot of things that I have thought about doing with all the extra money I will have available, but I feel like a lot of that is just covering up a deeper underlying problem of emptiness or purpose and ego-centric desire. I want an iMac, I want to get my back tattoo done, I want to travel, I want to get a new car, I want to get a road bike to get to and from work during the good weather months… the list goes on and on, and I can’t help but wonder if this is really what I want or if this is something else entirely.
Confusion abounds, but hopefully a bit more calm going forward. Going on a diet and cutting caffeine out of my system has helped, but hopefully there will be more good to follow.

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