Gratefulness

The last week or so I have been trying to keep a more positive outlook on my life and keep a lid on things that normally would have sent me off the deep-end. Surprisingly enough, a lot of my recent happiness and newfound calm comes not from any chemical source or any font of philosophical wisdom (though that has been a pretty big part of my reading lately) but from gratefulness.
The last few nights I’ve spent the last few waking moments before sleep recounting my day and finding three things that I could be happy about and three lessons I took away from the day. For example, the other day I went to a Crossfit class for the first time, I learned how to put together a new bit of IKEA furniture, and I learned more about the philosophers Seneca and Descartes than I thought I would ever reliably remember. I slept well that night, even though my body was rebelling against me the entire way.
I think I might take a bit of a breather on climbing so much, seeing as how I may be doing some Crossfit instead. I think it’s probably time to take a bit of a break, get some perspective, and see if this is a way I can break the plateau I’ve been on for the last few months. Also with more of my time freed-up, maybe I can find a Ruby bootcamp or something here in Boston and get some real work done.
I got asked on Saturday about my spirituality, and I didn’t quite know how to answer that. I gave them the boiler-plate response of “Jungian neo-pagan”, and wasn’t really able to elaborate any more than that due to a number of different reasons. It’s become harder for me to find the time to spend in ritual these days, but I suppose that’s more due to a lack of interest and a mild embarrassment with regard to my partner’s presence in the house during rituals that are not silent. I don’t know why that seems like a big deal, seeing as how I am the kind of person that goes to Burning Man and parties with naked folks without much reservation… but it is. I suppose it’s more to do with the idea that I might be perceived as a loon in the midst of a bit of self-delusional kabuki theatre than anything else. At the same time, the same might be said of things like Baptist revivals, Catholic mass, Islamic or Jewish pilgrimage, or even various tribal dances… To which I wonder now “what exactly is the big deal with me performing ritual in front of another person?” I share space with another wonderful human being who thinks more of me than. Even think of myself, so why should I have any kind of problem doing what I feel needs to be done to take care of my spiritual needs?
Fear is quite literally a terrible thing. It keeps us from doing what we want to do or even need to do, and prevents us from being our authentic selves. I think I’m done trying to hide behind a fig-leaf of normality… It’s time to do what I want and need to do and nothing should hinder me in this. Not even myself.

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