I don’t know why I am almost always on the defensive with people. I don’t even know why I constantly feel like I am under sustained assault. There aren’t any words that can convey the kind of fear that grips me most of the time these days, and I’m always afraid of it all falling apart. If I were just a little better, just a little smarter, a little stronger, a little better-looking… actually, scratch “a little”. There is a lot that I wish I was a lot more of. A lot smarter would help. At least maybe then I could figure out what the hell is keeping me in this constant state of duress.
It’s ironic because usually the first and last thing I want to do or be is the impediment or the person that is in someone else’s way. Used to be that I would just get out of everyone’s way, and that was my ultimate goal in life: get enough money together, live apart from the rest of the world somewhere (either in space or in a cabin somewhere in the woods), keep myself busy with things that I felt were important, and just generally stay out of peoples’ way. I have never felt smart enough, strong enough, or good enough for anyone or anything in my life, and I ultimately feel like what I’ve gotten most of the time has either been hand-outs or dumb-luck. I was never “good” in school, and I was never encouraged to do anything outside of what was necessary. And the stupid part is, I’m always afraid of being “found out”. Like a fraudulent huckster hiding in someone else’s shadow until the inevitable sneeze or passing breeze makes me visible… and by that point, it’s all over.
I don’t understand this feeling, or where it came from. I don’t have any clue how to get over it or around it, and I know it’s impacting me and has been as long as I can remember. It’s the reason I wake up from nightmares where I can never outrun something or someone, why when I fight in those nightmares I never win, and why I am constantly wary of overbearing personalities in my waking-life. I always feel like I have to compete to stand-out and be recognized, to be the guy that is able to do everything and anything, and be the one that gets things done. To say that this kind of situation weighs on me would be an understatement, seeing as how I haven’t really slept well in many months. There have been days where all I wanted to do was lay in bed and forget everything else, to completely abdicate any responsibilities and just fade-away in bed where at least I’m warm and somewhat safe.
And I know what people are already going to say. “Just be brave”, “do this”, “think of it this way”, “use positive thinking”… I’ve heard it all, I’ve tried a lot of it. And I don’t know what else to do.
Trying to be calm and realize that I am doing better than I think I am, but that is so hard given what I see of my peers. I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.