Journal Entry for March 3rd, 2013
10:15PM EST, Arlington, MA
I can’t sleep yet, but the silence in the house is helping me think and helping me to more fully cycle through the thoughts I have swirling around in my head. It feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve been able to even think straight since I’ve been dealing with problems on multiple fronts. In full-disclosure, if it isn’t already pretty apparent that I have and continue to suffer from bouts of depression and sleep deprivation then consider yourself informed. I suffer from both, and admitting it openly feels like what I imagine taking the first breath after being in a coma would feel like. I feel like a tremendous weight is off of my chest, but at the same time, I feel it everywhere else in my body. I constantly feel tired, I am often in fearful retrospection of what I just said or did a minute ago, and I often find myself wondering if I shouldn’t just dive out of the nearest window and just get it all over-with. But, realizing that those thoughts and sensations are fear-responses and implicit examples of the low self-esteem I have made manifest has probably been the single most important thing I have done for myself in the last several years.
As of this writing, I have agenda items for myself to talk to my doctor about my poor sleep and to also try and get a referral to a therapist to talk about my psychological problems. I have to keep telling myself, “This isn’t the time for silence.” And yet, all that I find myself wanting to do is to shut-down and withdraw from the world. I have to keep fighting that.
Spent most of the day at home doing “productive” things like laundry and cleaning. I still feel like I didn’t get much done, but the essentials got taken care of. I don’t understand the way my mind works sometimes, but I am appreciative of the fact that my boyfriend is infinitely patient with me and my occasional confusion-induced tantrums. There isn’t a single person on the planet I wish I could please more or do more for than him, and that’s saying a lot seeing as how most of the time I generally want to be left alone. Leave me with what I have and a steady form of income and I will roam the Earth in quiet, simple contentment. But embroil me in mental conundrums not of my own making that are impossible to overcome on my own and I become someone else entirely: a person that is easily angered, quickly exhausted, and better left alone. It’s been a long few months, and an even longer span of time to get to where I am now, I’m just thankful I have someone as stubborn as me to kick me in the shins when I need it.
Finally got my truck title in the mail, which means I officially have a $5,000 asset in my possession. Feels good knowing that I have some financial backing in the form of an asset along with a slowly-growing savings account now, and that I am inching closer to my goal of having a couple dozen grand in the bank in the next few years. By the time I am 30, I want to have at least $25,000 in the bank and be in a position to where if I wanted to take time off and travel the world, I could. Right now, I only have designs on maintaining my current position of employment until my shares become available and I can purchase them outright, giving me a lot more capital to work with and a lot more leeway to live my life on my own terms… whatever that means when I turn 30. If that means buying a plot of land on the side of a lonely mountain somewhere in Washington or Colorado, then so be it. If it means becoming permanently “homeless” and traveling the world indefinitely, I could think of a great deal worse ways to live my life. But for now, the focus is on a stable financial base and getting fit.
I signed-up for a CrossFit class that will run Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursday nights from 6:00pm – 7:30PM starting on the 11th. I’ve got designs on increasing my lifting capacity and potentially competing in a climbing competition or two either in late 2013 or in early 2014 if I can increase my bouldering grade a few levels in the intervening time. But, that will all depend on whether or not I can either drop weight or increase my lifting capacity and grip strength. Only time will tell.
I read something on Facebook a while ago about the new Tomb Raider game trailer, and the tagline read something resembling “There’s a survivor in all of us”. I think there’s a scared child inside of many of us, almost all of which have not yet had the opportunity to self-heal and to grow from the trauma we either received or inflicted upon ourselves. From time-to-time, I imagine embracing this child inside, wrapping my arms around him, and saying it’ll all be okay. He keeps asking me when, but I don’t have an answer for him besides “soon”. I’m sure many others have gone through this same process, I just wonder if anyone has been lucky enough to make it out intact. Here’s to hoping.