Journal Entry, 2013-06-28

Wrote this on Friday evening, wasn’t feeling terribly good.  Just wanted to get it out somewhere so I could move on.

Feeling pretty low after losing my temper at the foosball game.  Wondering how validation plays into all of the other problems I am facing in my personal life.  I often feel worthless or worse: a hinderance to the people I am playing with or the people on my team.  In addition to this, I feel a if I have no real mastery over anything I have done in my life.  Proficiency, sure; but when it comes to true mastery, I fall far short of any of the ideals I have for myself.

This lack of mastery manifests itself in the worthless feelings I get and the self-loathing that follows.  I rarely, if ever, want to be around anyone or anything during these kinds of episodes.

I also don’t see what other people see in me.  They give me praise and call me smart and good-looking, but I don’t see any of it.  What is missing from my sight that others see in me?

Maybe I just don’t appreciate myself enough.  Or maybe it’s just self-esteem.  I feel like a giant fake when I try to pretend I have self-esteem.  I don’t want to be anybody’s fake.  I just want to be me.

Being me isn’t easy in the least.  It requires a lot more flexibility and determination than I originally thought possible.  There’s a lot more that goes into the process than just being true to myself and chasing after my own ideas, it’s also somehow a bigger story about trying to discover what drives me to wake up in the morning and to be a better person each day.  There’s a lot more that I don’t want discovered by others that would destroy me in an instant.  But how do I learn to appreciate and value myself if I constantly feel as though I am failing at everything?  How do I learn to be better to myself and learn to appreciate this gift of bone and sinew and blood?

Where do I begin the healing?  And why do I feel so much resistance to the healing process?

Where indeed.

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