Opening the Cage

Honestly, how do you talk about being a suicide and trauma survivor? It wasn’t even that long ago where I thought to myself that I didn’t have a right to say those words. Justification belonged to other people and was not something I could claim for my own. For a long time I felt as though I was just defective, broken, born as an object of hate and ridicule. I’m still working to unravel the last decade or so of my life and get to a place in which I can not only love and value myself but where I can also see the world around me without any of the lies that have surrounded me.
Today someone I work with got me to such a point to where I wanted to just walk around the table and punch them square in the face for how much taunting was being sent my way. Checking that motion was difficult, and I ended-up apologizing for flipping him off later on (even though he was kind of being a jerk in that instance). I explained to him via instant-message a bit later what all was going on and shook his hand on the way out of work, which left me with the predicament afterward of finding an outlet for all of that nervous, angry energy. I have never wanted to just scream my lungs out that hard in a few years… The fact that I didn’t either says that I am getting better or I am just holding it in and I’m not addressing it.
Either way, I now realize what PTSD, suicide, and trauma survivors go through on a daily basis and why they guard themselves so closely. It’s a daily struggle to avoid losing it all over someone and doing something that cannot be undone or saying something that can’t be taken back.
I guess this is growing-up.

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