Who are you trying to impress?

EGOWinning to impress someone else to gain acceptance leads to emptiness.  Determining your worth based on someone else’s approval, whether sought or unsought, is tantamount to psychic slavery, and it only serves to hinder one’s growth as a person.
I have spent a large portion of my life in constant search for approval and some level of acknowledgement or another.  I always feel as though my deeds and my words are never “enough”, as if there is some Herculean task or feat that I can achieve that can garner the “right” attention.  Sure, it’s juvenile.  It’s downright childish, but it’s what keeps me going.  I don’t think enough of myself or my life to afford the same level of respect or praise that I grant to others.  I feel like a con-man taking praise from people, and I always feel like my “achievements” are not of my own making, but simply happy circumstance or pure chance.
I suppose a large part of it comes from not recalling feeling engaged as a youth with my parents or with my surroundings.  I mentally and physically checked-out from the world and just went with things.  I “passed time”.  I played games.  I didn’t learn anything new.  I spent a large part of my youth in stasis and without a single soul to acknowledge me.  Even my best friend felt like a complete stranger sometimes.  Admittedly, that probably had more to do with the fact that I was fundamentally broken at the time, and no one knew… Not even myself.
Which brings me to this point in time.  I am soon to be 27.  I have been in many failed relationships, I have left several jobs, I have no college, and I often feel alone in a crowded room full of my friends.  I still don’t know what is at the core of my issues, but I have a feeling it isn’t going to be pleasant finding that out.

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