The Effluvia of Life

It does not escape me that I am surrounded by detritus. I am ensconced within a quivering and unstable fortress of stuff tied directly to old memories and painful past lives. Not a second escapes my notice wherein I am able to see all of the old things that hold my life and my memories in the dark syrup of depression and loneliness. I look at my old gaming books and realize with a deep ache in my heart that those days of my life are gone forever. I see some of the costume bits that lie in my closet and I realize that few care or even have an opinion about them besides my own self. I feel the pangs of regret looking at the longboards down in the basement that I will more than likely never use again.
I often feel the cold fingers of depression and Death reaching through my veins and tugging at my soul during these bouts of regret. There hasn’t been a day in my life since I was first able to begin reasoning where that hasn’t been true. The memories of the past reach out with their oily black tendrils and decaying appendages, seeking only to destroy me at my very core. I say: best to run head-long into the future. Maybe burst into flames if I do it right. Gods know that I am not serving any higher purpose doing what I am doing now, nor am I helping anyone or anything. Leave it all behind, give it all away. Someone else will make better use of it than I ever will.
My mind has been filled with static a lot lately. Unable to form coherent thoughts for more than a few minutes at a time without succumbing to some form of derailment. I’ve taken to long naps after work, which I have fought myself on for so long out of force of will alone. “Naps are for the disorganized and lazy”, I had mistakenly believed. Had I known before how much of a difference an hour in bed at the end of a long day could make in my life, I would have begun on a regimen of napping a long time ago. If only it could help me deal with other issues, I’d be doing a lot better.
The weather has been a lot colder lately as well, and along with the leaves, my mood has been decaying pretty rapidly over the course of the season. Something about the combination of fall and the lack of close companionship I feel with many people in my life, combined with the gaping hole I feel in my heart when I see other people together makes it difficult for me to be happy. “Why can’t my life be more like theirs”, I would constantly ask myself. I didn’t have an answer then and I still don’t to this very day. Some days it makes my heart ache, others it infuriates me. It probably the main reason I can’t be around people too much. I lose myself in their issues; I make their happiness my problem. And that’s when I really need a fat attitude adjustment… Or a one-way trip out of town.
More often these days my mind has drifted back to my original plan of finding a quiet town somewhere in the hills or mountains where it is green in the summer and snowy in the winter, living out the rest of my days in quiet solitude with none to keep me but books, dogs, long hikes, and climbing. There isn’t anything more I seek in the world anymore. Travel is a nice bonus, a reprieve from the tedium and responsibility that the modern world heaps on all of us in exchange for the “grid plan”. I am not built for that world. I am not properly-equipped as a human being for a world of emotional connections, personal risk-taking, and mental gymnastics. On the contrary, I am often a simple creature: a good book, some quiet music, and a comfortable chair away from the bustle of the world is often all I look for.
Arguably, one might say that I am simply looking for a quiet place to die or fade away. I wouldn’t exactly day that they are wrong.

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