Missing Pieces

I think it’s been quite a while since I’ve had any objectivity on the subject of my family or my home life.  Filling out what my therapist calls a “geneogram” has certainly given me a lot to think about in that regard.  About the gaping hole that remains in my life because of the absence of my father during my early youth and the conspicuous absence of my parents in regard to the various problems that plagued me in my middle- and high-school years (and believe me when I say that there were plenty of problems).
Not having anyone I could confess my sexuality to, not having anyone there to really reinforce a positive attitude with regard to my physical and mental efforts, and not having someone I could confide my deeper secrets to all contributed to the problems that I now face as an “adult”.  I now find myself set-apart and drifting far from the boundaries of those I call friends, and the changes have not escaped much of anyone’s notice.
I am alone.  Confronted with the knowledge that what I seek is something that I never had from my parents (and largely from my father), I am now attempting to tread uncharted waters and trying to learn what it really means to be an adult under my own power.  I feel about as lost and directionless as I did ten years ago, when I had no real power of my own and no way to express myself positively.
I am in desperate need of others in my life that can point me in the right direction.  One of the best people that could have helped me to learn those directions I pushed-away, and it’s too late to mend much of anything.  I suppose I have to eventually sleep in the bed that I have made, I just never expected it to feel nearly as bad as it does.  Living with this reality is far from pleasant, and it makes my heart ache in the worst ways imagineable.  I wouldn’t wish this kind of soul-crushing sadness on anyone.
I need more time with my therapist and more time to address this most recent crop of issues, not least of which is sometime and space in my head to try and wrap my head around it all.

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