Promise

New beginnings and new opportunities boil-down to one simple word: promise.  The promise of a new dawn, the promise of an enduring spirit, the promise of renewed vigor.  That promise is what drives many people to get up, to keep trying even after they are met with repeated failure, heartache, and pain.

2013 was a hard year.  Difficult decisions were made, hardships were overcome, and old wounds were re-opened with the promise that they might one day be healed.  If there is one specific goal I seek this year, it is simply this: I seek to be made whole again.  To see these days renewed, and to finally lay my burdens and my pain to rest. My difficulties may not necessarily hold a candle to the hardships that some people have to go through, but that doesn’t make it any less poignant.  What I went through affects me still to this day, makes it hard for me to see people and problems for what they are.  It’s corrosive and pervasive.  It turns my words and everything that I touch to ash, and obscures the truth of the situations I find myself in.  I can imagine that onlookers probably thought of me as a monster, and I probably was.

This year, I want all of that to stop.  And it’s going to, because I’ve been seeking professional help.  Help that’s not just a “talking session”, but one that challenges me and has been instrumental in breaking down barriers and has been asking the hard questions.  A history of neglect, depression, and a “hardness” that never quite dissipates.  A lack of trust, and intense dependency on those who do manage to earn it.  All of these things stem from only a few sources, and they all have to do with my early life as a youth growing-up.  Knowing what I know now will help lay the foundation for a better future.  And it starts with a conscious decision to change.

I am making that choice now, and with any luck the future will be much better than the past.

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