This year has been both difficult and extremely beneficial. I’ve spent over a year in therapy with tangible changes having been made, I’ve lost friends and made a few more, I’ve maintained the momentum of ruthless self-curation that has become part-and-parcel to my life experience, and the inner-work that I have been trying to move through has helped me to see that there is more possible than I ever believed.
I think more than anything the next year is going to be more about learning how to let go and allow. I’ve gotten good at removing the obstacles, the damaging activities, and certain people from my life, but the more I look at it the more I realize that it’s just as important to know what to add and allow into my life as it is to know what to remove or avoid.
I want to spend more time allowing and adding things to my life that will continue to allow me to learn, grow, and adapt. I’ve become better at adapting and recognizing weaknesses and working around them while emphasizing the strengths that I can bring to-bear on any problem. I am still working on finding my humility and discerning the way forward from the places of hurt and frustration that I often find myself revisiting.
It can be tough to find your way out of the hurt and the anguish when it’s all you know. When someone else’s “nightmare” becomes your “normal”, that’s when the confusion and the pain starts. It sometimes takes even more strength to reach out to someone and say three words than it does to simply keep bearing the load. The words “I need help” are terrifying (at least they were for me).
And it’s been hard shrugging-off all of that excess weight and grief. There’s a lot of pain wound-up tight, and shedding it is like untangling yourself from barbed wire. The wounds re-open and the gnashing of teeth and lashing-out follow it.
I’m just thankful that I have friends that understand what I’m going through and can be there for me in a way that few could before. This next year is going to be even better than the last and I am thankful that I get to see it.