I’m constantly amazed at how some people closest to me are so adept at dealing with stress. How some people are able to take some of what I would consider to be among the most stressful of situations and just carry on as if it’s nothing.
I have some idea as to why that is, too. It’s nothing to do with the actual circumstances. In actuality, it has more to do with the past and how the past still drives a lot of how I react to things.
My home life wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t rosy either. I’ve spoken at-length about the ignorance and neglect that were visited upon me and the extreme lack of interest from other people. What I haven’t talked about is the feeling of hopelessness that hung over me like an ebon shadow. The notion that nothing would ever change despite anything I said or did. One of the few things that kept me going in my early years (aside from metal music and my best friend Jeremiah) was the glimmer of hope that I’d somehow make it to college or start a job and I’d be able to really start my life. It felt like being stuck in a decade-long state of limbo.
I feel like I’m in the exact same place at work.
A lot of things that need to happen either aren’t happening because people aren’t prioritizing it or are being told other things are higher priority. I also don’t really have much interaction with other people aside from fixing problems and asking (sometimes silly) questions about production problems. I’ve been doing basically the exact same work for two-and-a-half years, and I haven’t had much of an opportunity to do anything new. Throw on a pile of “critical” work and constant outages, it’s no wonder I’m waking up in the middle of the night (sometimes twice a week) from nightmares about outages at work.
The situation comes so close to being just like it was at home that I get antsy just thinking about the drive into the office. What’s worse is that any thought of finding a new opportunity feels like I’m betraying someone and that pity was taken on me when I was given this job, neither of which is true. It still feels that way no matter what I do.
To say that I’m “feeling trapped” would be a gross understatement. I’m not quite sure how to make the changes necessary to make the situation better, but I know I need to make some soon.