It used to be that I enjoyed dealing with complex problems. It used to be that I got a charge out of being in the heat of the moment and working to fix things. It used to be that I loved being able to learn new things in the rush of everything.
But it’s all changed. I’m angrier than ever that things don’t work. That I’ve been working on the same types of problems over and over again. That feeling that Groundhog Day isn’t just a movie–it’s how you experience your working life.
This all used to be fun. I enjoyed what I did. I liked the people I work with, and still do for the most part. But the problems have become the same. I haven’t been able to do much else besides tread water and hoped that the situation would improve.
I think I’m beyond that point now. It’s not going to get better; if anything, it’s only going to get more difficult. The amount of work is just getting larger, the list of to-do items ever-longer, and the number of immediate resources ever-dwindling.
At what point do you accept the situation and decide that “enough is enough”? At what point is it acceptable to tell yourself that you gave it your best and it wasn’t enough and that it’s time to move on? That’s what I’m wrestling with right now: disappointing everyone (including myself) by admitting that I’m not nearly as talented as I’d originally thought and moving on (whatever that means), or in the words of a close friend “sucking it up” and making it work.
That’s one of the other problems, I guess. I don’t know what I want to do. There are lots of people who are being really encouraging and are behind me a lot of the time, but ultimately I’m still ruled by my fear. I’m deathly afraid of “doing something stupid”. That fear of judgment; “interrupting my career” in pursuit of something that might not work out.
I suppose this kind of fear is something that everybody experiences at some point. The difficult part right now is figuring out just what I want to do about it. I suppose that just doing what will make me happier is valid to an extent, but at the same time I wonder if I would be throwing away opportunities.
Being an adult is hard.