With the benefit of hindsight, I’m noticing more that I keep doing the kind of work that I’m doing more out of fear and necessity than out of any large-scale desire to improve. What I do doesn’t make me happy right now and I’m not sure it will make me genuinely happy again.
Focusing heavily on immediate results and making sure that the proverbial ship isn’t sinking is and always has been the primary imperative. When I go and try to expend mental energy trying to learn new things at work, I’m either side-tracked by a thousand other things or I’m not able to do anything worthwhile with it because I don’t have the time during the work-day to put them into practice. Spending more hours outside of work learning and trying different skills also doesn’t really appeal to me at this point.
I’ve grown more aware that I get annoyed easily when I can’t easily resolve a problem or make headway on something that, to other people, is easy. “Computers are hard”–except when they’re not. I often feel as though things like programming are a lot harder than they should be for me, while for others it seems to come easily. I’m not sure what to think about that right now.
Maybe college is the solution. Maybe a change in career. I don’t know at this point.