I think I’ve got a lot to think about. I think that I think too much. I think I’m both batshit crazy and just this side of sane.
The more that I think about where I am in my life, the more I think that I need to wander. It’s not that I dislike people or dislike comfort—on the contrary, comfort is wonderful. I think that instead, I’m becoming more enamored with the idea that pushing myself way outside of my comfort zone and leaving the trappings of the lives I’ve lived behind for even just a little while will be extremely important.
I’ve been getting the impression more and more often lately that what I’m looking for isn’t likely to be found on or near a screen or a climate-controlled space. The more often I go out into the less civilized and more wild areas of the places that I live, the more that I find I actually have more in common with the people, places, and animals that live in those places. Granted, I’m not a game hunter or any kind of renowned adventurer. That doesn’t matter to me.
I think what I’m saying is that I’m burned out on people. I’m torn-up and unhappy with the status quo and the absurdities that come with modern life. The compression, the degradation; the sheer loneliness and soul-crushing grind of it all. It’s amazing to me that there’s an entire civilization built around this. Though, I guess I’m not sure what I would expect out of people, especially given the oft-perverse incentives at-play.
I want to be able to wake and rest at my own pace, to be able to see the beauty of the world around me uninterrupted, and to leave as small a footprint on the world as I can manage. I want to be able to travel, to seek, to read, to reflect, and to be my own person without judgment or mischaracterization. Maybe finding an isolated retreat would be helpful. Maybe finding the right tribe would be better. I’m not sure Radical Faeries are right for me in this instance. Maybe they are; who knows.
I want to spend some time climbing, hiking, snowboarding, and camping. Some time seeing the world as it is. Maybe then I can figure out how I want my world and my tribe to be.