The last two weeks have been oscillating between a running riot and a complete disaster. I haven’t been able to look at or listen to the news because I become either unreasonably angry or completely inconsolable. But the last two weeks haven’t been any different than the last year-and-change, it’s just that each new day brings a new reason to be angry and distraught.
I haven’t been able to write. It’s been impossible for me to focus on my own mental health and well-being. I’m constantly on guard and losing my composure with people.
But I keep trying. I really do. I keep thinking and hoping that just the next bit of evidence, the next political fuck-up, the next failure of leadership will finally rip the lodestone out from under the rotten, rapidly-putrefying carcass of this so-called “administration”.
And every time I look up, yet another horror is being unleashed. More violence, more petulance, more insanity.
And every time, I scream inwardly: “WHAT. THE. FUCK.”
I find it more difficult with every passing day reconciling my deeply-held belief that America is deeply-flawed and completely wrong about a lot of things… but America keeps trying. Every day I look around and wonder which one of my supposed “countrymen” is going to pull a knife or a gun and make sure I never make it home or see my loved ones again.
I’m angry at being angry. I’m angry at people for having made me feel this way. I didn’t even get a choice in the matter of getting angry, I was made to feel this way by people who clearly have no empathy, no morals, and no soul to save. Morally bereft, spiritually bankrupt, and hopelessly enamored with notions of heroism and exceptionalism draped around a barely-concealed violence-fetish erection.
But heaven forbid I, or anyone else, become upset. Because of course that would be a clear breach of decorum. How can you have civilized discussion around the violation of human rights, repression of civil rights, and the rape and pillage of the only ecosystem known to harbor sentient life if you’re becoming emotional?
It’s like waking up in a Mirrorland Hellscape where Violence is Safety, War is Peace, Vice is Holy, and Lying is Truth-speaking. It’s enough to make someone scrawl the word “GASLIT” on their forehead with an X-acto Knife.
I keep asking myself how we got here; how we managed to let so many wander so far into the proverbial graveyard of failed philosophies and doctrines. How someone could possibly come to the conclusion that it would be a good idea to raise Authoritarianism from its place on Political Death Row and have it take high-center-stage. How so many people forgot that the blood in their veins is the same color as everyone else’s (hint: if you paid attention in Science class, you’d know it’s blue until it hits oxygen). How their god is one of a multitude, and that all experiences and emotions are valid. How all genders, races, creeds, colors, and nationalities are as valid as the day they categorically came-to-be.
How did it come to this? How did it come to fear, anger, resentment, and regression?
More importantly, and the really the only question that keeps me from giving up completly: where and when does it end?